Confessions of a Mama Bear...

Something hit me tonight as I was sitting at my son’s soccer game, I do a great job controlling my tongue until the Mama Bear in me gets stirred up…then, offender beware!

It started when Nick was in 4th grade and his teacher let him put his Lego Lighthouse, that he had built for a project, into his backpack. He walked in, with tears in his eyes, because it was crushed. Her excuse, “well, he wanted to take it home.” I’m sorry, who’s the adult here? Nick is a very literal child, so when she made the announcement that they needed to take their projects home, it never occurred to him to ask if he could wait so I could come and get it…

(pretty impressive!)

Another thing that gets me riled is things like Victoria Secrets and their sleazy window displays in the mall, I had a couple of editorials published in our local papers about this one. I realize I can’t protect our sons from everything, but I don’t have to knowingly expose them either…the mall has lost A LOT of my business because I refuse to take them there.

And, I contacted Mentos one time because of a commercial they ran about a young girl who had a boy in her room while her parents were gone…she ate a Mentos and got the idea to dress him in a robe, wrap his head in a towel and put a facial on him, to deceive her mother. Great example for young people…NOT!

But the other place, that really gets me going is the soccer field…ugh…this Mama Bear is a stereotypical soccer mom too!

Last year I learned to chew gum during all of his soccer games to help me remember to keep my mouth closed…kind of my own take on “putting a watchman over my lips.”

Today was really hard though and unfortunately, I forgot my gum… It was Zack’s last game of the high school season, they were playing their biggest rivalry and they were up 1-0… Long story, but we didn’t have a goalie. The young man playing goal was doing an awesome job, but the coach just couldn’t leave well enough alone… And before we knew it, he was putting Zack in goal.

Now, Zack is a great soccer player, but he is NOT a goalie! They scored two goals on him, back to back and they lost the game 1-2…it was heartbreaking and I know, totally humiliating for Zack. Unfortunately, I had a few, not so respectful or gracious words to say about the coach to my friend (no cursing, just very disrespectful…as if that’s any better).

I’ve decided that living the Christian life can be VERY hard sometime! I know better than to run off at the mouth…from the overflow of the heart, come the words of the mouth (apparently there’s still some rotten stuff lurking in the recesses of my heart)… But what makes it worse is that when I do that, I don’t look any different than the rest of the world…this little light fades into the darkness…YUCK!

We’ve been studying 1 Peter in CBS and 1 Peter 2:17 says, “Show proper respect for everyone…” UGH…everyone… even coaches who are human and make bad decisions!

I think it’s time for this Mama Bear to go into hibernation and let the “unfading beauty of a quiet and gentle spirit,” (1 Peter 3:4) be the thing that shines in stressful situations involving our children.

Getting Real...The Tougher Side Of Parenting!

Have you ever thought about how some of the most beautiful things in life are the result of tremendous pressure, heat, effort, etc.?

Think about a diamond… it is simple carbon atoms, what we get coal from…but when the atoms are subjected to very high temperatures and very intense heat…a beautiful, precious gem emerges!

Or, precious metals…like gold or silver are refined when incredibly high temperatures are applied…

Some of our most precious earthly treasures emerge from an intense period of refining…but the same could be said of our children.

I’ve been thinking a lot lately about how as parents, we are God’s instruments of refinement in our children’s lives. I want to be very clear, I am NOT, in any way, shape or form, talking about applying pressure to our children in an abusive way. I am simply using it as analogy to convey the idea of the heat and intensity of unconditional love and the pressure of consistent discipline.

Even in my own life, God has applied pressure many times through different situations, to bring about transformation…through them I have learned to love, to forgive, to show compassion and mercy, and I am still learning.

And that, in many ways, is much like our role as a parent… Love and discipline are a constant day to day application of heat and pressure….the purpose of which is to bring forth the most treasured, precious gems that they can be…

Pressure can be applied in many ways…not giving in to their nagging and whining for the things that are not best for them…constantly offering and demonstrating love, even when its rejected…having the courage to tell them ‘no,’ even if the rest of their friends are doing it, whether it’s listening to a certain kind of music or going to see a particular movie…sometimes it means making sure you administer the discipline that’s been promised, when your busy and it’s easy to forget.

In our house, chores are our major tool of discipline, especially for the older kids…if you don’t do your homework…you owe us 15 minutes of work…if you don’t tell the truth…you owe us an hours worth of work…if you disobey…it ranges from 15 minutes to an hour, depending on the offense…but this system of discipline requires time and effort…it requires keeping the pressure on.

We don’t restrict or ground our children from the things they want to do, but if they are in the ‘red’ with chores, then they aren’t able to do anything until the chores are completed. They know that the best way to insure that they get to do fun things with their friends is to not have a list of chores they owe us, which means they’re making good choices…some are learning the lesson better than others!

Each of our children, just like me, have some habits that need to go away…habits that aren’t in keeping with a strong character, but the only way the habit will ever be rooted out is to keep the pressure on…we must discipline every occurrence…it’s exhausting and emotionally draining.

But all of this applies to creating attachment in adoption too. We can never let up on demonstrating our love for Abby and responding to her every need until she learns to trust us.

Many have asked how she’s doing, she’s doing wonderful…and I always answer that, but now, I’m also making sure I discuss the reality of it. Yes, she truly is doing wonderful, better than I would have ever imagined at this point…but it is exhausting and draining. We can’t let up for a second…we must keep the pressure of love and grace constantly flowing; as well as the pressure of keeping boundaries firmly in place as she learns to live as a member of our family.

In the movie Fireproof, the main character reaches a point in the pursuit of his wife, where he wants to give up…she is rejecting his every effort and he is mad and frustrated…but his dad said something to him that really made me think… “When things get rough, that’s when our motivations get tested.”

Wow, how true is that, even in the context of parenting? Am I disciplining and loving my children because there is something in it for me? Or am I doing this simply because I love them and only want what’s best for them? We have to be really honest with ourselves about our motivations!

But if our efforts are REALLY rooted in our love for them, then we will persevere, no matter how many times we have to apply the pressure, no matter how many times they reject us, no matter how exhausted, frustrated, or emotionally drained we become…and we will apply it with grace and tremendous love, NOT with yelling, unkind words, harsh punishment or any other form of inappropriate anger.

And all we have to do is look to our Abba Father for the perfect example…that is exactly how He loves us…with persistence, determination, grace, patience, faithfulness and perseverance…His discipline is ALWAYS lovingly administered to bring out the best in us… He NEVER gives up in His pursuit of us or in His desire to make us into all that He knows we can be…we are His precious treasure, the apple of His eye!