"Why You Howg Me?"

The whole thing with the photos, that I wrote about the other day (Adoption Moments That Break Your Heart), has continued to plague Abby. She just couldn’t seem to get past the fact that I had Mackenzie with me when she was a baby.

I found her watching us quite often…especially when we hugged. I wandered what was going through her little mind. I think I feared that she looked at mine and Mackenzie’s relationship as something that was unattainable for her, that somehow she felt excluded.

I think we’re all familiar with the feeling…you join a new group and you see these amazing friendships that you long to be a part of, but somehow don’t think it’s possible because of the history they share. I don’t think Abby thought through all of that, but I do think that insecurity is something innate in us, or at least many of us…that desire to belong, yet feeling like we might never. I can only imagine how much greater it is in a child that has been through so much.

Well, Tuesday morning, I hugged Abby before she went to school. She backed up from me, sat down on the stool and said, “Mommy, why you howg (that’s how she says hug) me?”

How do I even begin to describe the emotions of that moment…desperately searching for the words to explain? “Abby, I hug you because you are my baby and I love you.” “But Abby not your baby, Abby a little girl…Mackenzie your baby.”

At that moment…I was speechless and God wasn’t providing me with any words…I had to trust that He meant for me to stay silent.

That night, she was tired and asked to go to bed early, so I had a little time with just her. And again her fears and insecurities were evident… “Mommy, Mackenzie your baby.” But this time, I had something to say, “Abby you’re right…Mackenzie came to me when she was a baby and you came to me when you were a little girl, but I love you both forever. You are my little girl.”

That brought a BIG smile… “Zack my big brother…Nick my big brother?” (She’s never referred to them as ‘my’ brother before) “Yes Abby, we are a forever family. I love you forever.” And with that, I got a BIG hug! And finally, she seemed at peace!

I guess Abby just needed the assurance that even though she didn’t join our family in the usual way, she was still just as much a part of our family…that she really did belong. And, I guess she just had to process through some pretty hard things to understand, in her own way and in her own time... healing is a hard process and there are no doubt some wounds that need to be healed in her heart.

I’ve read a lot to prepare for our adoption, but let me say, while books are great, it’s as much, if not more about preparing your heart as is it about preparing your head. Yes, I gained valuable insight into attachment, it made me very aware of things to watch for and it made me think very differently about parenting, but before all of those things could change my behavior, my heart needed to change.

The single greatest piece of advice about this process came from a child psychologist who knows a lot about attachment… He said, “Sharla, the Bible is a story of attachment. God is the master of attachment, look to Him and you’ll be fine.” And you know, he was right…I have learned, more than ever in my life, to depend on my Heavenly Father to give me what to say and how to say it, even when to say it.

I so wanted to fix it for Abby, to make it all better…but God knew that she needed to process this in her own heart…and then He gave me the words at just the right time. I hope this is a lesson I can take and apply in the rest of my life.

Sometimes I just want to barrel into a situation and say what I think needs to be said to fix a situation…to right a wrong…but I need to learn to pray and wait…to trust God to open doors and provide the opportunities (just like He did at bedtime) and then the words to go with the opportunity (just like He did at bedtime!)!

I am constantly amazed at what happens when I remember to live in humble dependence on Him!