Today was our first follow up visit to see the surgeon since the accident and surgery, last week. I admit that I had some really… no REALLY… unreasonable expectations… I’m not sure what I thought would happen, but it didn’t quite turn out like I wanted… you know, completely healed, stitches out, Zack playing soccer tomorrow night in the season opener… (Well… He is the God of the Impossible!)
But what I saw when they took bandages off pretty much rocked me to the core… Now I really hate to tell this, but until today, I had not seen Zack’s wound… Yes, I was in the ER with him, but I either had my eyes closed or my back turned when the doctors were examining him and trying to decide what to do. You see, I have this sometimes very uncontrollable response to blood… gore… especially when it’s our children… Not wanting to become the center of attention by fainting in the ER and since I couldn’t offer them any of my non-existent medical expertise, I thought the best plan of action was to keep myself where I could comfort my child (passed out on the floor would not have accomplished that!)…
But today, Scott couldn’t be there, so I knew I had to ‘man-up’ and pay attention to what the doctor had to say… That meant I had to see what he was talking about… And oh my goodness… It was awful… Part of the cut that runs up his leg is healing well, but down around the ankle… ugh… I’ll spare you the details… But my heart broke…
And yet, God had prepared me… From about 4 a.m. on, I couldn’t really sleep… I would doze and pray… I was literally pleading for a good outcome today… and sometime, in those early hours, that soft, gentle whisper (in my heart) came again… “Are you just trusting Me for a good outcome in the circumstances, or are you trusting ME?”
Ouch… And then it all started to make sense… God loves us so much He gave His Son for us… THAT is a love I can trust… Circumstances may be painful… they may break my heart… or my children’s heart… BUT, if I say I trust God…. If I say He is good… If I proclaim His love for us… Then it can’t be dependent on the circumstances, it HAS to be dependent on who He is…
So once again, He made sure I had a place to stand… And then He let my world rock, well, literally sway a little (talk about whoozy!)…
I don’t know why today was so hard… Maybe I’m tired and it’s all catching up to me… Maybe the fog of last week is finally wearing off… but it has been the hardest day yet…
In perspective, it’s silly maybe… I have my child… I can laugh with him… talk to him… see him… And he has an injury that will heal… he’s not going to lose his foot… or even any mobility… he’ll walk away with a dreadful scar (and as a guy, he’ll be proud of it)… Even if it requires more treatment, it will still be ok… But all of that rationale doesn’t change my heartache for right now… My heart is just not getting the same message as my head… And for a little while, that’s ok… But I don’t want to wallow here…
Because the truth is… the place I chose to stand on is this… I have an Abba Father who loves me and my family more than I can imagine… I have years of ‘remembering stones’ where He has shown Himself faithful over and over… I have story after story of where He took brokenness… heartache… sadness… and literally brought beauty from the ashes…
Great is His faithfulness… His mercies are new every morning… Tomorrow is a new day!
2 comments:
Yes, tomorrow is a new day and there will be "manna" for tomorrow.
May the favor or the Lord rest upon Zack--His healing will be complete!
Love you
You have such a precious Mother's heart and all that you feel and react to are what most of us would feel and react to also. It would break my heart too to see one of my boys experience that.
I love that God is speaking to you constantly through this time. I love that He is whispering His love to you and helping you when you are in the midst of trials. I love that you are real with us.
I cannot wait to meet you someday!
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