What is it about the idea of grace?

What is it with some people and the idea of grace? One of the things that has amazed me about this process is all that God has taught me about grace. I parent with so much more grace than ever before and I am a better mother to our biological children because of Abby.

But when I say that to other people, or encourage them, with their adopted child, to parent with grace, I am almost inevitably met with, "But you have to set boundaries too." Or... "You can't have grace without discipline."

Why is it that people think that grace and boundaries or grace and discipline are mutually exclusive? From those responses, it would seem that people believe that if you are showing grace, you are not disciplining... That you are somehow letting the child "get away" with things that they shouldn't...

But if I look at the example of my Heavenly Father, His discipline is ALWAYS...100% of the time...WITHOUT fail...characterized by grace. Discipline and grace are NOT mutually exclusive...they are inextricably linked...or at least they should be...

Discipline should NEVER be administered without an abundance of grace. If God gave us what we deserve at any given moment, where would we be? I am so incredibly thankful that He doesn't feel the need to fix all that is wrong with me in a day, but that through His grace, He allows transformation to be a process...

This is a lesson that I have learned over and over this past year with Abby... I'm certain that people have thought that I let her "get away" with too much. But God has shown us clearly this year that for true change...for true obedience...a relationship is needed, so I've focused on building that relationship... not as her friend, but as her mother... Meeting her most basic needs time and time again... making sure that she is never hungry... being patient with so many little things because they were opportunities to build trust at the most basic level.

In many ways, even though she was 6 when we adopted her, Abby needed to be treated like a newborn for a time. She needed time to learn to trust us... Just because we had a piece of paper that said we were her parents, it didn't automatically make us her parents in her heart or mind, and we needed to respect her by respecting that...

As the adult, I expected the most basic degree of respect from her and there were certain boundaries that were not negotiable...but it has only been in the last few months that I have really been in the mode of teaching her what it means to respect me as her mother, with her attitude, her tone of voice, etc. And yet, that discipline (which by the way refers to consistent training, NOT punishment) has been applied with an abundance of grace...

And do you know, the walls are really coming down! If you were able to spend any time with us, you would see a really special relationship developing between the two of us. She comes to me for almost everything...even to untangle her Barbie's hair! She sits in bed with me if I'm sick, or just want to read... She comes looking for me when she can't find me... Tonight, my shoulder was hurting and she pinched and rubbed it with those precious little hands for over 1/2 an hour. I kept saying, "Abby, if you're hands are tired, it's ok to stop..." "I fine mommy!" And she is trusting me with her stories from China, like how she was afraid when the buildings would shake (the earthquake)... No one else gets to hear those stories...

Grace is reaping a hefty reward... Allowing her to grow into this relationship, not demanding that she treat me a certain way has been long and difficult at times...sometimes frustrating...even more times, heartbreaking... But to see where we are now is so worth it...

But if you're one of those who believe that grace and discipline are mutually exclusive, you may be thinking, "Well I bet that child is a terror..." Far from it... She is an utter joy! She is obedient... I rarely have to ask her to do anything more than once... A firm word easily corrects attitudes and actions and she is polite beyond description. It didn't happen overnight... but discipline...consistently and gently applied...with abundant grace and love has been the key.

When the walls of the levys in New Orleans came down...it wasn't the gale force winds of Katrina that did it... It was the constant pressure of the water against the walls... And that is what our love and grace can do for these precious children who have been through so much...it will, over time, bring down the walls of their hearts. I think the photos from the previous post really give you a picture of that...