Friday, October 3, 2008

The Mirror Image of My Heart

Since the moment we met Abby, I have made a point of being super responsive to her needs...if at all possible, I try to respond immediately, especially if it's a request for food, water or something else that is a need and not a want.

We have definitely taken a few steps backwards in connecting over the last week...she wants me near by, but there have been very few really affectionate moments...she seems to have tried to reconstruct a few bricks in the wall...

It's been utterly frustrating...I've thought more than once, what do I have to do? But then I remind myself that it's only been 2 1/2 months and I need to be patient...and so we go.

But today, was really tough. She ate an entire can of soup when she came home from school and when she saw Mackenzie and Zack eating an early dinner because they had to go somewhere, she started pressing me, "Abby hungry." Well, at that very moment, I was having a major computer issue...she had been outside playing so I was trying to take the moment to print off something that I needed for later. And my printer would not print...I tried everything...changing the USB port that it was plugged into...restarting the computer...restarting the printer... canceling and hitting print about 10 times (as if that would do anything) and then in the midst of it all, Abby comes in and decides she's hungry, again.

I said, "Abby, please give me 5 minutes to get this worked out and I'll be right there." Yes, she knows what 5 minutes is because she negotiates 5 or 10 minutes with me EVERY night at bedtime!

But she got very upset with me and when I finally realized that it was the USB connector for my IPOD that was plugged in and not my printer (don't ask, it's been a busy few weeks), I went downstairs and found her in a huff.

She wanted another can of soup...could I cut you some tension to go with that soup? She was a very unhappy camper. It pierced my heart when she looked at me with eyes that said, "See I knew if I trusted you, you'd eventually let me down."

That was the point that I wanted to sit and have a really good pity party, aka cry... I try so hard and somehow it just seems like it's never enough...

And that was the moment that my Heavenly Father held His little mirror of conviction up to my heart and showed me a reflection of me.

I do that to Him all the time...He provides over and over for my needs...He wows me with answers to prayers...He demonstrates His love a thousand times a day...and in a moment, when He doesn't respond to my needs in the way I want Him too, in exactly the time I want Him to, I look at Him with the eyes of my heart and say, "See I knew if I trusted you, you would eventually let me down."

But I finally understand, that is just not the case...

I needed Abby to wait a minute because I can't solve two problems in two different locations in the house at the same time (shocking I know)... But my delay was not a reflection of my love for her... or my desire to provide for her every need.

And while my Heavenly Father is never limited by time and space...He can handle a gazillion problems at one time...His "wait" is never a reflection of His love and care for me either.

"I wait for you, O LORD; you will answer, O Lord my God." Psalm 38:15

"I waited patiently for the LORD; he turned to me and heard my cry." Psalm 40:1

1 comment:

April Isaacs said...

I hate days like that! Especially when it's something little, like a computer problem that consumes all your time! If it makes you feel better, think about me and my laundry room and the floods I have had. Misery loves company!!:-)

Poor Abby! And, poor Sharla. Don't you wish you really knew what went on in their little minds. I hate it that trust takes so long... 3 steps forward often lead to 2 steps back.

Recently, I think, you wrote in your blog about God speaking through messages that occur over and over. The one for me is this business about speaking God's word and the power words hold.

I can't get away from this message. Recently, I was at a gym working out and I caught the tale end of a sermon. He ended his sermon by saying, "The power of life and death is in the tongue." He went on to say that power is the ability to make something happen. Somehow, we have the ability to cause life and death.

This day I call heaven and earth as witnesses against you that I have set before you life and death, blessings and curses. Now choose life, so that you and your children may live. Duet 30:19

Then today, I was finishing The Shack. I know there is some controversy surrounding this book, maybe we can have that discussion sometime. Anyway, today when I was reading God wanted someone to forgive (in the book). God said, "Just say it out loud. There is power in what my children declare." He wanted him, even if he couldn't feel it, to say aloud that this character forgave someone.

Now, I don't what in the world you are supposed to do with all I just told you, I just felt like I had to tell you.

I know there are no formulas. God is far more interested in our character than he is our circumstances. But, there is something to our words having power that I can't wrap my brain around.

For whatever that's worth...